“X” stream of consciousness
If you have a midlife crisis at 28 does that mean you will only live to 56? If so, then even that doesn’t sound appealing cause it seems like such a long fuckin time.
Anyway, I apologize for the lame ass title. I thought it was descriptive but as the movie says We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.
There is a certain panic when that wanderlust wears off and you realize that your fuckin brain won’t turn off and the rest of the world is shut off to you. Even as I sit there drinking beer after beer and dipping my french fries in ketchup (not buffalo wings mind you. I am on a diet. It’s fucking LA goddammit!!!), I just want to rip this asshole’s eyes out as he apologize to a woman for saying bitches when he really meant chick. And it’s not even that slight (though it’s not even that slight of a slight. wow that was a bitch to write as well as read I’m sure!!!), it’s that he doesn’t give a fuck. He says bitch as casually as dude. It’s the fuckin lexicon of the guy who says bro WAY TOO FUCKIN MUCH!!! Though we are more connected than I like to admit…As a small example…the soundtrack to my life as of late (and by late I mean 2 years) has been Menos El Oso by Minus the Bear. I wish that it would be Highly Refined Pirates or even Planet of Ice so I could at least hold my head fuckin high but sadly no. (side note, don’t click those links…Just download the whole fuckin discography…you won’t be disappointed.
I can kinda fully appreciate the fact that my life has been a weird series of addictions. The current one (the whole dieting/running thing) has been probably the best one for me: I am in the best shape of my life. I am wearing clothing sizes that I haven’t worn since high school. I can run (not jog but actually run) for 8 miles straight without feeling any major fatigue. Emotionally, it’s reminded me of a time when I was a kid: When I was a long distance runner and actually good at it. And for the record…Jolie Chaidez was always a better runner than I as well as maybe my first “real” crush. I never wanted to admit it but her getting 4th place at County and me getting 13th was the eye opener. It was an ego drain of course and I always chocked it up to that she ran the 400meter and I ran the 1600meter though I always knew that if she entered the 1600m she would fucking destroy me. My biggest advantage was never my speed but my endurance which is why I always entered the longest races possible. Even the 800m wasn’t long enough as I only got a 3rd place ribbon in that. But what does it for me is that it reminds me of a time when my Dad was proud of me. He came to all my races and was my loudest supporter. I could always count on hearing his voice and truth be told, I imagine him on nights when I am at mile 7 of an 8 or 9 mile run and need something to drive me home. It’s those nights that somehow I end up throwing the treadmill speed up to 9mph and fucking destroy it, no matter how tired or sore I am. Anyway, I digress…
The addiction thing…
I am waiting for a time that the addiction becomes something problematic (which it is probably far past that point now). It came close at one time…Blackjack/gambling addiction was a weird thing. Especially when you’re poor. It doesn’t become a huge problem because if your smart (and I am a narcissist so of course I think I’m smart. Smart enough to realize how big of a fuckin idiot I am, anyway)you realize that it’s impossible to do anything unless you have 10,000 bucks to start with AT THE VERY LEAST! And even then it’s very slim that you will make it.
NERDY MATH ALERT!!!
You have to remember that at the best table conditions (which doesn’t exist in Vegas or Atlantic City anymore) that you are still only getting a 1/2 percent advantage. 21 was a great movie for casinos cause it spreads the myth that any determined nerd can make it big (and I presume it made a shit load of money for Kevin Spacey as well and that’s good cause he can do no wrong, right?). I read the books that it was based upon…I got drawn in by the hype (long before the currentesque movie craze if that helps in any way at all). I was Tyler Durden at several points in my life…or to put it in terms more appropriate for my stature: I have played the role of Dogbert.
However it comes back to the question of how do you put the brain to sleep at night? Alcohol helps but it also gets you into that state where you think you can make it as a writer. It’s that special state that 9 beers (or 3 or 4 or 8 cocktails) will put you in. I cannot write for shit as evidenced by this blog post as well as the hundred some odd that precede it. But somehow I think that someone out there will want to read the shit that I want to write. I want to just write about myself. There are still those tendencies in me that somehow make me attach significance to shit that I have created. The only real thing of worth that I have created is my daughter. When will I learn that I am shitty writer, I am shitty musician…?
another digression here….every musician has what is known as their “Stairway”. Every musician has it in them…some never record it and some do and place way too much significance on it. I have done it and it really isn’t very good. I wish that I was a better singer or a better songwriter. Hell I wish I could even write pop songs half as good as the guys who get paid to do it. It’s mediocre at best and garbage at worst. And for that matter, what the hell does that mean…At best its ‘blank’ and at worst it’s ‘blank.’ just say what the fuck you think of it.
actually that last one is a new and weird feeling for me. Oscar has surpassed me in terms of raw ability as a drummer. I have always said as long as I have done this strange drum line addiction that I will teach until a kid can take over my job. He is close now. He can definitely teach drum line kids drum skills but I also like to think of myself as a mentor as well as a teacher. It’s a role that has taken a long time to develop and I would like to think that it will take him a while as well. I am definitely proud of his accomplishments and maybe it’s the midlife crisis 28 year old speaking (29 in June peeps) but I think he has too much piss and vinegar in him to really do that things that I am doing with these kids.
I was the same way once. Trying to usurp William Alderete as the SHS drum line instructor. As I acknowledge that, I still have that narcissism that tells me that he didn’t know shit and I was out playing him as a freshman in high school. I know I was full of that same piss and vinegar but if I never knew him, would I run into him years later at a bar and want to rip his fuckin eyes out for apologizing to a woman about calling all women bitches? Probably…
There is something mildly comforting about having a midlife crisis at the ripe old age of 28. Again, if it means that I am done with it all at 56 then so be it. I have had a good run. Suddenly I can appreciate the many times my dad has told me that he never expected to live to 30. At a certain socio-economic stature, you can come to appreciate that. Living in Los Angeles has destroyed my soul to a certain extent. The culture comes at price and as much as I want to, I just can’t be that guy who celebrity name drops in every conversation. It’s just so hard…especially when you see said guy at YOUR 7-11 buying the same type of beer as you, and admitting that he lives up in this weird place known as “the Valley” even though he obviously knows so many more famous people than you, or has spent several hundred dollars more on his shitty “boot cut” jeans cause he can’t stand that EMO FAG look.
I don’t know that there was a point to this post, other than to start on my next addiction…writing a book. Sure, it will be a book of bullshit but FUCK everyone…I can self-publish on the internet.