Gafoo's Blog

This is the conclusion of this post and this post. If you don’t want to read about, then please close your browser window. I had no idea when writing this that it would become this long but I guess you could say that I had a lot to say about it. After writing about it (sober and not sober) I found that running speaks to me in a way that I have not heard for a long time…perhaps ever. At any rate, I have dealt with the fact that my life is a series of random addictions that I continue to chase to the conclusion that satisfies me and thus, perhaps you would like to chase this addiction with me?

I have had my last drink for the run: a red, fruit punch flavored powerade. I hold the empty bottle in my hand for a long time. I am walking…my calves, hamstrings, quads, feet, heart, mind, etc. are very tired. I can’t believe that I have gone this far…not only that, but I am to still travel 4 more miles. I have seen so much today and been lost inside my head for so long. I can feel the defeat welling up inside myself.

Chris, you have done so much…no one will think any less of you if you don’t complete this meaningless task. You have lost all the weight that you set out to lose. You have more than doubled you mile time since you began. You are a much stronger and leaner individual. Why do you feel the need to accomplish these herculean tasks?

The honest truth is that I don’t know. I don’t know why I subject myself to these tasks. I have chased this goal for so long and at the end of my journey I really don’t know what to do with myself. I set out to lose 50 pounds and I am ahead by 3 pounds. I have went from a size 38 relax fit jean to a regular size 32 jean. For as long as I can remember, I have purchased t-shirts that are a size XL to accomidate my girth and now they make me look foolish…so much so that I have to spend time and money to buy a new wardrobe (currently comfortable at a medium to small!). I am without words and perhaps even more frightening, without goals. Yet I continue to run…something inside me drives me to continue, to go even further than I thought possible, to push myself even harder than i thought anyone could go…
I have an un-natural urge to be snapped back to earth as well…As soon as I throw away the empty bottle of powerade, I am immediately pitted against the sun and pavement. The nemesis has remained a constant foe these last 2 hours and I will absolutely not let him win. I haven’t let him win this far and I am not ready to give up yet.
Somehow I continue on…in spite of a nagging pain in my calves, ankles, and feet (my shoes have logged over 500 miles between the street and treadmill and are past due to be thrown away), I even continue my previous pace…and my breathing rhythm continues…left foot inhale, right foot destroying the concrete and my knees, left foot inhale, right foot not wanting anymore abuse, shaking out my hands, arms, shoulders, and neck. This run is a trial by fire.
I am officially off the training. I have been ignoring the training for the last 3 months. My thinking is that since I started in October, I can be ahead of the book by 4-5 weeks. As a result, when I should have been running 3 miles, I was running 6 and when I should have been running 4 miles, I was running 8, and when I should have been running 12 for the 1st time in my life, I was running 18. I am constantly berating myself for not trying harder and never enjoying the fact that I am doing more than I ever have: I am officially my own worst critic. I have been for some time but this time feels more real…the world seems to catch up to me and if I don’t push past it, I have ultimately failed my existence. And so I push on…
Left foot inhale, right foot absorbing the shock of the pavement and the pounding of my heart and the burning of my lungs as they gasp for more air than is available to them. I have long since abandoned the thought that I may be a gifted runner…one who has a cardiovascular system that allows them to increase their pace in the face of increased oxygen necessity….whatever special qualities I thought I might have are long gone. Left foot inhale, right foot pound the asphalt and burn the lungs and stomach that have long since abandoned working in harmony with a man who simply wants to succeed. The sun is scorching down on the man who, to the cars passing by, is simply a slow jogger along the Orange line busway. I wish that I could seat them all down and tell them that I have ran 14 miles today. I want to scream to them that I started at 10:30am and though I have had 2 powerade breaks I have been running non-stop all day.
I can now see the 3rd to last orange line station: De Soto station. I am past Pierce College! I never, in all my life, thought I would run this far but suddenly I stand on the threshold of a milestone…and I feel my pace pick up. Left foot inhale, right foot exhale, left foot inhale, right foot exhale, I can sense the bikers behind me and I await their passing but somehow they don’t. It’s as if they can sense my purpose and conviction: they know that it will be all the more sweeter when I cross the finish line without their passing, even if they could do it. And personally, I know it’s smug, but I am not so sure that they can. I am running with more conviction than I have had in my life, My pace is unstoppable! I run off the asphalt of the orange line onto the sidewalk of Victory Blvd as I approaches Canoga blvd. I need to travel south on Canoga, West on Erwin St. and South on Owensmouth Ave. and I am finished. And soon my vision is blurred…passing the bookstore on Victory, crossing the street at Canoga, passing the out of business Circuit City, passing the outrageously expensive apartments on Erwin, approaching the terminus of the Orange line busway on Owensmouth…My heart is beating out of my chest yet somehow, the pain in my legs and feet are gone. I have read about the runners high and I must posit that I on it now. I am in no pain, I am in a state of bliss…I have run the longest run of my life. Thank you.