proud of myself
I feel I should elaborate on my last post. I am, for the first time in a long time, proud of myself. That is a picture of myself wearing the medals that I earned from the 2 races I have done this year. The Pasadena 1/2 marathon, and the Los Angeles marathon. My goal for the end of the year is to run the Long Beach marathon plus a half marathon of my family/friends choosing.
I feel the need to elaborate because I still don’t understand the ability to motivate those around me. It hit me today actually. I have inspired nearly everyone of my friends/family to lose weight/get in shape/run. I still live in this massive bubble that I don’t realize my actions affect those around me.
Truthfully, I enjoy this bubble. In this bubble, I am only truly pushing myself. I am having a hard time realizing that I am actually a father now. I have been a husband for some time now and that is amazing unto itself (I love and cherish my wife so much), but to know that my actions affect a little girl is hard to take. And truth be told, I need a break sometimes. I hope I am doing a good job. I can’t believe that I am shaping her future. It’s hard and (borderline) impossible to take. I simultaneously want her to be everything I am and everything I am not.
I suppose the hardest part is that I feel like I am failing her no matter how hard I try. It doesn’t matter that I have run these races, or that I am trying to obtain a great job, or that I am trying to go back to school and get my degree, or that I am trying to just get her to eat her vegetables night after night… I still feel like a perpetual failure. I hope that one day she actually does read these random blog posts and realize that my life have shifted forever. That I don’t care so much how I end up so much as that I care that she is okay. That one day she can get on the interwebz and be all existential and have that luxury of being in a certain place and time of…”that is who my dad was, and that is who my mom was, and that is what they wanted my values to be, and that is what they knew at the time to be right and wrong.”
I truly hope that one day she gets as much out of our time together as I do. I hope that she one day remembers that I tickled her, and changed her diapers, and read to her, and fed her McDonalds (god how I hope she grows out of that. Fuck you Ronald McDonald!!! I want her to be healthy and not craving sugar and salt and false happiness).
Don’t be fooled everyone…raising a child is the single hardest thing you will ever do with your life. I hope that my entire family gets to go through it. In fact, I have so much more respect for my father now than I ever have. My dad and mom raised 6 kids with nothing more than love and an economy that barely fed the 2 of them. I know that I now being a drunk asshole, but truthfully…
Sometimes I don’t realize how much these words on a blog, or these actions on twitter affect people…
To digress to my original point…I am proud of myself…for the 1st time in a long time. I can’t believe that 9 months ago I decided on whim to get myself in shape and that 9 months later I did it. I lost nearly 70 pounds. I am now 5′6″ and weigh 157 pounds. In October 2008, I was 5′6″ and 225 pounds. Tonight I ran my fastest 8mi time ever.
I guess I don’t have much of a point to that last segment except that I can’t believe the person I have become. I don’t recognize myself anymore. It’s still takes some getting used to…especially when I go clothes shopping and I have to buy size small. It’s weird and I don’t feel quite comfortable in my skin but hopefully everyone will forgive me for being such a massive tool.
Anyway, I am now exclusively rambling, so I will end. Thank you sincerely for reading. Sorry that I am such a massive drunk. I feel like I will burn out someday, just not ready yet.